I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
