Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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