I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
