I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Brb crying the tears of my youth
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
