I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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