So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize