im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
where are you?
Hypothermia
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
