i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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