Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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