I think my fart just growled at me.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
