Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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