did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
it's not cheating when I paid for it
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
