i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
