Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Is it because I queefed?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
