I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
