I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Shame - the story of my life.
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