Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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