my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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