she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
