SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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