Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
