just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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