Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Text me some of your sweat
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