just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
