I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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