I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
