Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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