He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
