I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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