Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
