I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
3pm strippers are depressing
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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