woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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