please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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