i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
