but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
