Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
