nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
