His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
