I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
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