it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
