I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
