Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
