Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
