Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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