Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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