My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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