At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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