Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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