Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
