The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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