can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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