The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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