Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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