i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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