1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
