I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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