ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
