If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
